Practice today was healing. I stopped after janusirasana c and I didn’t do inversions, but each asana up until that point felt like embracing a friend I haven’t seen in awhile. I felt great. My back is still weird, but I take that I need to be more aware in my practice and not take things were I’m just not ready to go. Practice reflecting life?
I am stressed. Even more so this semester than last year. I feel like I’m a car stuck in the mud: I try and try to escape but it only results to spinning my wheels in the mud. I don’t know how to transform this energy or use it to propel me forward. I feel stuck in this angsty netherworld where I am on between phases. Growing pains?
School is kicking my ass. I feel like a boxer going 20 rounds in the ring with Julio Cesar Chavez in his prime. I know this won’t last forever. I am trying to detach from this feeling, but in trying I only attract more of the angst.
Trying to find an internship has surfaced all the old doubts and insecurities about my capabilities. Business school is one big reminder that there are always people who are younger, smarter, and hungrier. I have only had one interview and I didn’t get the position. That’s the position I wanted, too. Now what? I feel like a dog that’s been kicked too many times: no fight and the only desire I have is to be at peace. The numbness doesn’t allow me to see myself and my situation accurately. I’m not as dumb as I think. I can do anything I put my mind to; I just need a chance.
My love life is non-existent. I’m currently stuck in the most awkward situation: crazy about someone who will is oblivious. I wish I could be oblivious, too. I hope that my fixation is only my mind’s attempt to focus on something outside of school and career. It’d never work out. I’m too cynical and direct. He’s too passive and guarded. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I still have to see him and pretend to be his friend. I have never been good at pretending.
Yoga today promised to be amazing. I love Sunday practices because they begin at 10 am. My body is warm and I’m more flexible. The 6 am practices kick my butt bc my body feels asleep. Everything was going great until uttita hasta pandagustana. My lower back spasmed. I had to cut practice short and wimp out of the Shala. Who knows how long this will last? Oh, and my throat is sore and the left side of my neck/jaw hurts. Great. I have meetings lined up starting today and all throughout tomorrow.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I just need to be reminded that I am human. I haven’t reached enlightenment. I haven’t learned how to be comfortable in this space. I don’t know what I’m doing and I haven’t quite learned how to trust God. I guess you only learn with practice and that’s what this time in my life is: an opportunity to practice faith.